I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
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Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My dog learned how to text
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
i installed a ceiling fan in my room