@gorrdano: Stop being racist to kettles.
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@meganamram: Don't have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I'm close to my destination
@TheHyyyype: WAITER: questions about the menu? ME: is it recycled paper? WAITER: no, i meant about what's on it ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
@PaulGibson1963: Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on "too many kids" & "making it look accidental." Found my iPad but haven't seen her all day.