Stop being racist to kettles.
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
some Old Testament wisdom
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.