Stop being racist to kettles.
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My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
buying dead houseplants to save time
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way