@wickedsuga: Stop being so hard on yourself. You don't have to be a complete idiot. Just be the best idiot you can be.
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@UNTRESOR: I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
@MUMSIEesq: [HOSPITAL] DOCTOR: "A-tisket a-tasket, you're gonna need a casket." WIFE: "What?" DR: "Your husband's knee surgery did not go well AT ALL."
@TheDreamGhoul: [inventing the parrot] HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU