Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!