Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
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wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever