Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
My first child will be named New Folder.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.