Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
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What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?