Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
You Might Also Like
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I ate everything, including the H.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.