Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
You Might Also Like
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.