@markleggett: Stop complaining about the length of the Hobbit movies. Plays are 17 hours long. School plays are twice that.
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@iGreenMonk: Son:Dad, what is 'creeping inflation'? Father:It's when your mother starts out asking for new shoes and ends up with a complete new outfit.
@1Happytwit: My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
@AaronFullerton: Hey cell phone companies, I can't think of a more terrifying selling point than "Unlimited Talk."
@MAngelo505: What I said : Just a trim, please. What hairdresser must've heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.