“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Me trying to walk in a dream
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap