“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
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She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.