Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Classic German Shepherd 😂
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*