@Underchilde: Stop, drop and roll if your clothes are on fire or if you spot your ex under the mistletoe.
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@thenatewolf: *sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag* Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby. Me: (to genie) take his fingers
@GerryMcBride: Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ. Soldier: You can just point to him. Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.
@markedly: MANAGER: You're hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to-- ME: I quit
@shkeeber: One time I intentionally asked a thin woman "when she was due" because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I'm into extreme sports.