[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
The Birdles