Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
You Might Also Like
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
I have never related to a cat more
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.