mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
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Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.