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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls