Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
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4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it