@Jake_Vig: Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don't get to read my tweets.
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@Staggfilms: Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we're a couple. Don't make this weird.
@XLCadillac: [job interview] “Why should I hire you?” “Because I have pictures of you with a goat?”
@WilliamRodgers: "We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage" LG: Plastic? Samsung: Metal? iPhone 8: What about Glass?
@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.