Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
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Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.