@Dawn_M_: Stop giving me life advice, people who don't know how crocodiles have sex.
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@Parentpains: According to the police report, waking up in your lover's arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
@onion_an: [knock on door] Who is it? "Jeff" Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity? "Jeff from work" [opens door] "Sucker"
@WhiskeySoured: Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. Are these the Americans? No. - watching the Olympics with my wife
@Book_Krazy: Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups? *Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* "yes"