Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
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Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon