Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
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I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
me as a parent
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you