@alanritchson: Actually officer, if you factor in the earth's rotation, we were all speeding

@AbrasiveGhost: [torturing terrorist] [plays EDM] [beat rises] [beat keeps rising] [beat rises endlessly] Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I'LL TELL U ANYTHING

@djdarrellripley: Her: Wasn't it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree? Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard...

@Reverend_Scott: Robin: "Let me drive the Batmobile!" Batman: "Never. I'd rather let Superman." *wall breaks down* Superman: "OMG really??" Batman: "No."

@WendyLiebman: I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.