@Crunch11b: I haven't been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

@david8hughes: [phone rings] "Is your refrigerator running?" *looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon* "I don't know what he's doing anymore."

@what_eve_r: my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

@faizziy: Me: What's your strongest weakness? Candidate: ... *Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up M: It's a trick question. You're hired!

@theguywitheyes: GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice