“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
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Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.