@Sarcasticsapien: It's like the TSA doesn't even care relationships end cause we can't run through the airport and stop someone from getting on a plane.

@elspetheastman: Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted

@DaddyJew: Me: I'll have some cold water Clerk: sorry all we have is warm water Me: yall got ice? Clerk: yea Me: Clerk: Me: I have a crazy idea

@lasergirl70: My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

@EJGomez: taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what