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@Thaat_guy: "Stop hitting me."
@eminmien: WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He's not ready for anything serious right now.
@CoolCamel69: "How's your love life?"
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
"I'm sorry man"
it's ok. still got laid.
@thejamietighe: *turns off life support*
*turns it back on*
Me: How's she now?
Him: Are you sure you're a doctor?
Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT.
@onume_: Son: Dad I'm in love with a girl just like mum.
Father: So what do you want from me? Sympathy?
@Chumpstring: SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom's ok
SON: how about "my mom's a lesbian now"
DAD: please don't