@AtypicalMama: H:"Where'd you get those shoes?" Me:"I've had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?" H:"Nope just cleaned the old one" *Marriage lies

@egg_dog: facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

@ericsshadow: [wife checking on me and the kids] Hello "I called the house, you didn't answer." I went out. "Ok. Well how have they been?" How's who been?

@Reverend_Scott: Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

@AGreaterMonster: This is serious as a heart attack but not one of those funny heart attacks. Those make me laugh.