@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Why do you want to be a librarian?" Me: "I like telling people to be quiet."

@gerryhatric: There are two reasons I often don't reciprocate: 1. I get distracted.

@rad_milk: the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like "sure what the hell" and grabbed a couple pieces

@chuuew: [planning heist] Me: We'll need the element of surprise. Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I'm Ne

@5hael: *waiter pouring wine* Say when sir *wine slowly fills up the restaurant*