@usermcuserface: My throat hurts, so I better keep swallowing 50 times a minute to make sure it still hurts.

@lwhit_the_boss: I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it's "adorable," but if I do, I'm "causing a disturbance" and "need to leave"? Whatever.

@shkeeber: Me: *passes ransom note* Mom: 2 bags of unmarked cookies? Me: Or you'll never see the cat alive! Mom: He's behind you. Me: STUPID KITTY!

@sofarrsogud: 🎶 It's raining yen. Hallelujah, it's raining yen - Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

@Reverend_Scott: Strangers are friends you haven't met yet. Friends are lovers you haven't kissed yet. Lovers are corpses you haven't killed yet.