@Brampersandon_: MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I'm Bane lol
@AmishPornStar1: Life Tip: If you're ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
@InsouciantMan: I've been told I'm oblivious.
I had not noticed this.
@IntrepidDeviant: *Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that's my girlfriend.
@Book_Krazy: *Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
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