@Brampersandon_: MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea DAD: yup ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I'm Bane lol

@AmishPornStar1: Life Tip: If you're ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

@InsouciantMan: I've been told I'm oblivious. I had not noticed this.

@IntrepidDeviant: *Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that's my girlfriend.

@Book_Krazy: *Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa* You crazy? Security will hear us Security: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? NOTHING Security: ALRIGHT