STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
You Might Also Like
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
ok like just. call me at this point
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Watermelon Boss!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
My dress code is business-casualty.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this