STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
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excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I’m already scared
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Potatoes were such a good idea
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
happy valentine’s day to me
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*