“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
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Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.