@noog: Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
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@murrman5: [first day as funeral director] this is the dress she wants to be buried in "It's very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin"
@BrdnHatesYou: A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes. I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
@trevso_electric: "Jessica wasn't usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong." -Investigation Discovery
@JermHimselfish: People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.