Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
groan^2
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
reduce, reuse, recycle
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.