Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
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people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Whisper out to librarians!
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
🍞🦆
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.