[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
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A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
sry
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear