Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Battery falling down a hole
This bar smells like my childhood.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me