Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
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me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.