I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…