Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
my first dose meeting my second
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
let’s discuss
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?