Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
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ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
I love wikipedia
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.