Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
this isn’t threatening at all
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.