Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
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Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit