My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
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From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet