stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
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What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here