4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.