the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
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*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
The internet is magic sometimes.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Damn what did I do next
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.