Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
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So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.