Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
You Might Also Like
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Saturday
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams