RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
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a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”