plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
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Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Meow
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.