Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
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Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick