Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
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The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.