Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
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me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.