@DaddyJew: "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO", I yell to my 5 year old.
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@hippieswordfish: *bank* 'miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding' *twirls hair* oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too
@cornax: The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had.
@iwearaonesie: "Oh man, that thing looks irritated" - me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
@maddyalou: Son: Will you please just try to act normal today? Me: You're going to have to be more specific.