@DaddyJew: "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO", I yell to my 5 year old.
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@Iwriteforcats: [Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER.
@BigPlanetEarth: Did you know your amazing human body actually drink lava!?! Only once though.....
@KeetPotato: nurse: "if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half" me: [visibly confused] wife: "the grapes keith not the baby"