@DaddyJew: "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO", I yell to my 5 year old.
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@MartaEffing: I joked at school drop off that the white stuff on my kid was powdered sugar, not cocaine, but I took it too far by rubbing some on my gums.
@jessokfine: How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
@TylerLinkin: Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.