oh good, now I can stop drinking
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Seems a bit forward
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.