@candygrlMT: Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don't know what to do with that information.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: I would've been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said "I don't do romance" I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
@ShutUpThatsWho: CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas- *scuffle noises* ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
@Spaziotwat: Survivor 1: "Help! I can't swim! I'm drowning!" Survivor 2: "I have a buoy, friend."